Roller Coasters

Wednesday marked one year since my mom passed away. In some ways, it seems like it happened yesterday, and in others, it seems even longer than one year ago. It's funny how grief works. It's different for everyone, I know. To me, it closely resembles a roller coaster. It has been awhile since my last trip to Six Flags, but I think that the Screaming Eagle most closely resembles the grief pattern that I seem to follow. Sometimes, the days come and go quickly and easily. Sometimes, they go slower and make your stomach do a little wavy thing. Then, out of nowhere, you can find yourself on a slow, hard climb to a place where your emotions can find some relief. Instead of finding relief, however, the tears flow more than you ever thought they could. You drop down to the bottom and feel like you want to vomit, you can't breathe, or maybe you even kick and scream and wave your arms telling the operator that you want off the ride. NOW. But the operator can't do anything for you.

No one can bring my mom back. God is the operator of this roller coaster of grief that I am on. I must finish the ride, endure the valleys and the plateaus, the fast, the slow, all of it. This week, I felt a familiar feeling. A sense of calm, peace, and acceptance. Just as I did in the days before my mom's death. Then, as Tuesday came, I began to think about where I was last year, how I felt, the difficult decisions that we were faced with as a family. I melted. I felt like I was living it all over again. I actually felt as if all life had been sucked out of me.

Wednesday came, and Chad, Mason and I went to visit her grave. I hadn't been for awhile, and going that day brought back even more memories of her funeral. It was so hard. SO hard. I miss my mom. All the time. I want her back. Healthy. Some days, I am angry; some days I am sad; some days, I am both. But, I know in this roller coaster of grief, that relief will come.

It will come...it will come...

...still waiting.

Necessities

There are many necessities in life. Different people have different things that they claim they could not live with out. But, we all know the basics; Food, water, shelter, and SLEEP. Without sleep your mind becomes mush and your body cannot function. Without it you become entranced in a zombie like state and find it hard to focus on the simplest of tasks.

Some folks can live off of almost no sleep. Others need a lot. I belong to that group. At least 8 hours a night is what gets me through life. I really need 9 or more, but who has time for that? My kid inherited this from me. He sleeps 12 hours a night and sometimes will take a 3 hour nap in the afternoons, depending on what we have been up to. This, I know, is an incredible luxury that some would drool over .

For the past two nights, I have slept a whopping four hours total. Yeah. I know. Sheesh. I am blessed, as millions of other Americans are, with seasonal allergies. The medicine that I call a lifesaver has left me unable to get my zzzzz's. I find myself tossing and turning at night and wondering if it would be worth it to be all stuffy and miserable again just to get some sleep. But, then I wouldn't be able to sleep that way anyway. So, I just take the damn pill and breathe easy for the day, which is wonderful. Then, as bedtime approaches, I start to get a little tired, but then get anxious about not being able to sleep. Then I finally fall asleep and wake up a few hours later, and become anxious again because I am awake and afraid I won't get to go back to sleep.

It is a cycle that I am glad to say is only temporary for me. I hate that so many others go through this on a nightly basis ALL THE TIME. That would suck. Really bad. Because I NEED sleep. If this post does not make any sense, I apologize. And now, I am going to try to take a nap with my little friend. Wish me luck. :)