coming to a close

Today is the last "weekday" of my Christmas vacation. I know, I know...if you aren't a teacher, you are probably cussing me and wishing that I and all of your other teacher friends would shut their traps about it. I must admit, through all the trials of teaching, these extended breaks (almost) make dealing with the education system worth it.

We are going to enjoy the rest of the weekend by relaxing and having a little fun in these unseasonable warm temperatures.

It's New Year's Eve, and we actually have plans. Going to a friend's dinner party, then to the movies (instead of the bars this year). What are you doing to ring in the new year?

Catching Up

Well, since it has been, oh, three and a half months since I have written, I suppose I will just write about what has been going on around here. I honestly did not post anything lately because my mind has felt like mush and I can't even find my car keys or Mason's diapers half the time, let alone put together a well written, meaningful blog entry.

Happier times are here. I am sixteen weeks pregnant with, well, we don't know yet; but, I WILL tell you that today the doctor told us it will either be a boy or a girl!! Hehe. I am so excited to find out who will be joining us in June I can't stand it!

School is flying by ( a good thing, I must say) this year. This class I have of second graders this year? Well, they are a challenge to say the least. It makes me so sad sometimes to try to think of the REAL reasons they act they way they do sometimes. My district is low-income with plenty of poverty and disadvantaged kids to go around. A love for school starts at home, and some of these kids are just worried about whether or not they will eat that day, or if they will get a "whoopin" for not finishing their homework at school. Anyway, I just keep thinking "May 27th, May 27th, May 27th" and it will get here soon (enough).

Mason is two and (almost) a half, and I can't believe it. He is starting to talk in full sentences and understands WAY more than we give him credit for. I love having little conversations about books, school, and what I am doing at thisverysecondeverysecondoftheday. :) He understands that there is a baby in my belly and kisses it every now and then, which makes me cry. Wait. Everything makes me cry.

Mason loves his Daddy. That used to hurt my feelings, but now I love it. They wrestle, play football, and wrestle (yes, I said that twice). It is so fun to watch them do man things together!

I am hosting (the day after) Christmas this year, busily trying to get last minute wrapping, cleaning, and whatever else I forgot to do five minutes ago. It will be fun to have everyone here this year! Our cats have just about ruined our Christmas tree, so that's nice. But hey, the lights still work and (most) of the ornaments are still on the top half of the tree, so I'd say that's a win right there.

Merry Christmas everyone. Don't forget to tip everyone who has ever done anything for you AT LEAST $50.

Big times here at the King's!!

We've been makin' messes,

Experimenting with mama's makeup (shh, don't tell Chad!)

And the biggest one of all...pottyin'! Wish us luck!

Don't count your chickens.

I hesitated to write this. Because, well, this is a blog. And anyone is free to read it. But, that's why I have one, I guess. This is supposed to be sort of an online journal, I guess.

I am heartbroken. Figuratively and almost literally. On Saturday I lost the second baby in two months that I have carried. I am so pissed off at God right now. I know I probably shouldn't be. Or maybe I am pissed off at my body. Nobody can say the right thing. "Oh, it's for the best." Or, "Oh, it's your body's way of telling you something isn't right". I don't care about all that. None of it makes me feel any better. I honestly feel a gaping hole in the middle of my body. Two days ago I felt a fullness. I felt like throwing up. I was dizzy, had an aching chest. All of it because I was expecting a child, and now I'm not.

I feel bad for being so angry. I think about others who actually give birth to their children and then lose them. I won't pretend to know how that feels. But I'm sure it sucks. Worse than I ever want to know. So, when I am crying or want to punch something because of the way I feel, I feel a little crazy, too. Crazy because there are people who have it so much worse. People who have had 20 miscarraiges instead of two. People who have lost babies they have actually held in their arms.

I feel selfish. Robbed of the "perfect summer" I was supposed to have. All summer with my newborn baby. Now, the months are ticking away until it will be a new school year by the time I give birth.

I would say I am at the "anger" stage, wouldn't you? I hope the doctor can help me understand this and provide me with a way to keep this from happening again. I don't think I am strong enough for this.

I also feel so stupid. Stupid because I told a few close friends about this second pregnancy. Stupid because now I have to go back and tell them it's not to be. And stupid because now they have to pretend to know how I feel and pretend to know what to say to me. Now I know why people don't shout it out to the world when it happens to them. I always thought that was weird. I told everyone I knew that I was pregnant with Mason before the pee had even dried on the stick. I assumed that this time would be no different. Wow. I assumed way too much. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" is my new motto...

Please keep me in your thoughts these next few months while we figure this mess out. Thank you!!

You might get out...

I sit here in a bit of a mood. Not a bad one, but not a good one. Kind of a sad one. Some unfortunate circumstances have bestowed themselved upon our household lately. The kind that leave you jealous, angry, confused, incredibly sad. But there has been so much good. And that is what I am going to focus on. My title, "You might get out..." was inspired by the song (country, mind you) that goes "If you're goin' through hell, keep on goin', face that fire, walk right through it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there..."

School starts in two weeks. I have been home with my kid all summer, and I have loved it. I did write a post awhile back that stated that I could never be a stay at home mother. I think I was in a bad mood that day. I love it. I hate stress. I hate deadlines. I hate being told what to do.

I want to be the "queen mum" of my household. I'm not the least bit British. I don't know why I titled my blog that. I guess I wanted something catchy to go along with The King's???
I love waking up, getting my son out of bed, fixing him breakfast and eating mine with him. I love drinking my coffee while he tells his morning news in toddler jibberish. I love not having to rush around, getting myself ready, getting him ready, and out the door in time to get him to school and me as well. I am okay with either having a plan for the day, or not having one at all. I love being able to keep my house clean, laundry done, and have dinner ready each night. I love being a fun mom and getting to plan activities to do with my son that mean something and make him smile.

I try to do all these things when I am working. I do. But sometimes they just don't get done. But I really LIKE getting all of these things done. It is good for my inner self. I feel accomplished. But dangit, they just don't.

School is starting in two weeks. (Did I mention that already?). Part of me is ready to get back into the groove. And part of me is resisting it with all my might. Normally, by now I have been up to my classroom at least a few times. I haven't been there yet. I am going tomorrow though. Wish me luck at being productive. ;)

While going back to work might be like "going through hell" at first, I am going to keep on going. I am blessed to even have a job with all of the budget cuts that have bestowed themselves upon Missouri. Our son has a great school to go to and many friends to play with. My husband coaches a great football team alongside a phenomenal head coach. I work with a fabulous bunch of ladies that I can actually call my friends, and get to hang out with twenty-something 8 year-olds all day. Not quite the "stay-at-home mom" gig I was going for, but it will do for now.

Pushing Buttons

Does anyone know how to get rid of the annoying little photobucket button that says "this image has been moved or deleted? If you do, please leave me a comment. Thanks!

Once Bitten

I have been sucked in... to reading the Twilight series. I honestly haven't read an entire book in about 10 years. Over the past few, I have started a couple of books but never finished them. I don't know why, they were decent books. I guess I just got bored, or would think of all other things I should be doing instead of reading. So when a friend told me I must read Twilight, I thought, "whatever". But I eventually said what the heck, and here I am. I have read 140 pages in two days, which is a feat to say the least, knowing my record so far. I have to say it's pretty good. Anyone else been bitten by Twilight?

Don't Get Too Comfortable

I was thinking this morning. About how as soon as you get used to things being one way, they change. Know what I mean?

I am used to this boy.

Look how much he has changed!!

Sting Rays, Hippos, and Lizards, Oh My!

Yesterday we visited the St. Louis Zoo. I was informed that this zoo is one of the only in the USA that offers free admission. Sounds wonderful, right? Until you get inside and come out $50 poorer. Sheesh. Well, part of that is actually because I was not responsible and let $16 slip out of my pocket somewhere among the acres and acres of exhibits. I hope whoever found my money enjoyed their Dippin' Dots and nachos with extra cheese!

We had a great day despite sweating enough between the three of us to fill a 32 oz. fountain coke. Gross, but true. We all looked like we had peed our pants and I looked like I was also lactating. I didn't realize this until I began to notice that everyone that passed us was looking at my chest. I thought, "Oh, they are just amazed at our fantastic ability to keep cool by all this sweaty mess we are making". Well, then my bestest friend Melissa told me what only a sister would be allowed to point out. There were two giant circles on my chest, which sure looked like I was overdue for my infant's afternoon feeding. Except I don't have an infant. And NO, Mason does not still snack there.

EMBARRASSING.

We made it all around the zoo, seeing everything we could until all three of us were ready to collapse from exhaustion. Melissa, the marathon runner that she is, left us panting and sweating and looking as if she could have walked around to the zoo's many attractions for the next 15 hours with a smile on her face. We had snacks, saw lots of cool new animals, walked, cried, walked some more, and we led our child around as if he belonged in one of the exhibits due to the fact that I made him wear a leash.

Don't judge me, okay? It really was funny seeing him walk around with a monkey on his back, all the while one of us keeping track of him by holding the monkey's tail. We got several looks from strangers because of it. I guess if you really think about it, we could have been one of the zoo's main exhibits, me with my wet chest and a kid on a leash holding a monkey.

Speaking of monkeys... shoot a monkey. No, not really. Don't go do that.

I haven't figured out yet how to post pictures as I write. They are all clumping together. Sorry. I'll figure it out someday, whenever one of my bloggy friends can help me out. Hello bloggy friends??? So, all of our pictures are at the top. No, I did not document my "oh my gosh her boobs are leaking. She needs to pump or something" wet chest.

Enjoy.

Here are some pictures from our trip to the Lake...I am still detoxing by the way.

We visited Dog Days, Backwater Jacks, The Happy Fisherman, Tirebiters, and an excellent place for barbeque called Half Sauced. Clever, huh?

I have no pictures of Mason and Lucy's trip to the Fredericktown farm. But, if I did, well I may or may not have posted them for your viewing pleasure. They had way too much fun, don't worry!

Detox

We are home and detoxing from vacation. Chad and I from five days at Lake of the Ozarks, and Mason and Lucy from time at the King farm. Too much sugar and spice, and not nearly enough sleep for any of us. But don't let that make you think that no one had any fun. We all did! Stay tuned for a few pictures. I'm going back to detoxing for now...

Stream of Consciousness

This has been an interesting summer. I have always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mother. Not now. I love being at home with Mason, but also look forward to the days he goes to play at school and I can have some "me" time. I need adult interaction. And structure. It is hard to find structure with an almost two year-old.

My back hurts. Probably from lifting said toddler too much.

I have to tutor in the morning. I wish I could do that everyday, as my full time job. It is so easy to work with two students at a time!

My husband has started football season, so he is never home. Gone 13 hours a day. So I am like a single mother. See why I like my "me" time?

I ate boneless wings and pasta salad for dinner tonight. They were so good! Mason spit the wings out and cried, probably because they were General Tso's. Bad mother I am!

I am ready for Mason to be potty trained. He could care less. Boo.

We are going to a wedding this weekend, Chad and I. It will be like a date. Awww.

We are growing a garden with tomatoes, lettuce, corn, canteloupe, cucumbers, and pumpkins. Nothing is ready yet, and I am growing impatient. We are going to have so much produce all at once I might have to open up a roadside, wait no, a driveway produce stand. Like the little kids that sell lemonade. Hey, I could do that too! And parade my cute little baby boy around to entice people to come and look at the produce. Lord knows it's hot enough for some lemonade, too, now isn't it? Was that a run-on?

Ahh, I'm out of consciousness now.

Roller Coasters

Wednesday marked one year since my mom passed away. In some ways, it seems like it happened yesterday, and in others, it seems even longer than one year ago. It's funny how grief works. It's different for everyone, I know. To me, it closely resembles a roller coaster. It has been awhile since my last trip to Six Flags, but I think that the Screaming Eagle most closely resembles the grief pattern that I seem to follow. Sometimes, the days come and go quickly and easily. Sometimes, they go slower and make your stomach do a little wavy thing. Then, out of nowhere, you can find yourself on a slow, hard climb to a place where your emotions can find some relief. Instead of finding relief, however, the tears flow more than you ever thought they could. You drop down to the bottom and feel like you want to vomit, you can't breathe, or maybe you even kick and scream and wave your arms telling the operator that you want off the ride. NOW. But the operator can't do anything for you.

No one can bring my mom back. God is the operator of this roller coaster of grief that I am on. I must finish the ride, endure the valleys and the plateaus, the fast, the slow, all of it. This week, I felt a familiar feeling. A sense of calm, peace, and acceptance. Just as I did in the days before my mom's death. Then, as Tuesday came, I began to think about where I was last year, how I felt, the difficult decisions that we were faced with as a family. I melted. I felt like I was living it all over again. I actually felt as if all life had been sucked out of me.

Wednesday came, and Chad, Mason and I went to visit her grave. I hadn't been for awhile, and going that day brought back even more memories of her funeral. It was so hard. SO hard. I miss my mom. All the time. I want her back. Healthy. Some days, I am angry; some days I am sad; some days, I am both. But, I know in this roller coaster of grief, that relief will come.

It will come...it will come...

...still waiting.

Necessities

There are many necessities in life. Different people have different things that they claim they could not live with out. But, we all know the basics; Food, water, shelter, and SLEEP. Without sleep your mind becomes mush and your body cannot function. Without it you become entranced in a zombie like state and find it hard to focus on the simplest of tasks.

Some folks can live off of almost no sleep. Others need a lot. I belong to that group. At least 8 hours a night is what gets me through life. I really need 9 or more, but who has time for that? My kid inherited this from me. He sleeps 12 hours a night and sometimes will take a 3 hour nap in the afternoons, depending on what we have been up to. This, I know, is an incredible luxury that some would drool over .

For the past two nights, I have slept a whopping four hours total. Yeah. I know. Sheesh. I am blessed, as millions of other Americans are, with seasonal allergies. The medicine that I call a lifesaver has left me unable to get my zzzzz's. I find myself tossing and turning at night and wondering if it would be worth it to be all stuffy and miserable again just to get some sleep. But, then I wouldn't be able to sleep that way anyway. So, I just take the damn pill and breathe easy for the day, which is wonderful. Then, as bedtime approaches, I start to get a little tired, but then get anxious about not being able to sleep. Then I finally fall asleep and wake up a few hours later, and become anxious again because I am awake and afraid I won't get to go back to sleep.

It is a cycle that I am glad to say is only temporary for me. I hate that so many others go through this on a nightly basis ALL THE TIME. That would suck. Really bad. Because I NEED sleep. If this post does not make any sense, I apologize. And now, I am going to try to take a nap with my little friend. Wish me luck. :)

Thirty Years

Today is my 30th birthday. Everyone who knew it was approaching all said, "oh, how are you handling it? Are you depressed?" I just smiled and said, "No". I really am okay with it. Some people approach a milestone age and cry, fight, go through a crisis about it, you know, they DON'T want it to happen.

Whenever someone figures out how to stop the aging process, please let me know. You can't do anything about getting older (relatively speaking, of course. We all know about Botox and hair dye.) so why fight it?

Some friends and I went to a local winery to celebrate the occasion, and of course brought me some "Over the Hill" garb to wear throughout the day. I thought "Over the Hill" was when you turned 50? Haha. Yesterday was a beautiful day. Good thing, because I had been looking forward to this trip for months. Everything about yesterday was amazing. Lots of laughs with good friends from near and far. I did miss a few of you though!

My husband, Mr. King had been cooking up a plan for months to surprise me. I have never been surprised in my life. (Well, I take that back. There are many occasions where I have been surprised, but this was my first "birthday" surprise.) When we arrived back in town from the winery, we turned the corner and saw A LOT of cars parked outside. I knew the neighbors were having family over for her mother's birthday, but as I looked closer I noticed that I knew a lot of the cars and that this party was quite possibly for me!! Wow. It was so neat. He had cooked up a storm, gotten a yummy cake, even had a birthday banner made for me that said "Happy 29th...again." He really outdid himself.

I am going to embrace 30 and beyond. I have many wonderful experiences yet to be had, more children to bear, more life to live. And turning 30 is okay.

How did you/will you feel about turning three decades old?

Mason

Our son is the sweetest, most handsome, perfect baby that ever was born. He is very loving, has a sense of humor, is nice (most of the time) to our pets, sleeps 12 hours straight at night, puts himself to sleep, and eats just about anything you give him. He is the sweetest, most handsome, perfect baby.

Until he throws a fit.

I mean, some of the tantrums he has are like nothing I have ever seen. This kid can throw his head back so hard that if it hit you in the mouth you might need plastic surgery. He can arch his back and tighten his legs so stiffly that you feel like you might break a bone trying to "bend" him back into cooperation. He can scream so loud that someone may be tempted to call the police because "no baby 'just' screams like that".

Oh, but Mason does.

I can't wait until he gets older, to see what part of his personality these tantrums help to mold. Will it make him sensitive to others? Passionate about his beliefs? Self-motivated? Fiercely loyal? Secure in himself? I hope all of those things. Although sometimes I think I might need to commit myself while raising a toddler, it is also the best part of my life. Because 99.9% (okay, maybe 99.5%) of the time, Mason is the sweetest, most perfectly handsome baby boy.

And I love him with all of my heart and soul.

Maiden Voyage

This is my first official post in the blogging world. I have been a blog reader for some time, but never a writer. Not even a commenter. But, I have quite a bit on my mind it seems, so I made the decision to dive into the world of blogdom. Who knew?

Right now I am watching "2012" with Mr. King (also affectionately known as my husband). It is a movie about the end of the world. Depressing right? Before we settled in to watch, I asked Mr. King to brief me (as he always does) as to the premise of the movie. He tells me, "What!? You haven't heard about 2012? The end of the Mayan Calendar?! The end of the world?" I replied that I hadn't, and was quickly given a rundown of what this movie entailed. Wow. I was depressed before it even started.

Being the paranoid person I am, a self admitting "glass half-empty" kind of gal, it got me thinking. What if this really is the last two years humankind will spend on this Earth? Wow. What a thought.